Assumption I make: that everyone else who feels like I do has it way worse than me and always has. This is likely true.
But am I not allowed to break down sometimes? I’ve been pretty go go go for a long time. I’ve been doing a lot. I pack the hours I have to myself with stuff to do. I’m proud of my endurance. Can I be upset for an hour? a day? a week? I’ll stop at a week. I’m stopping now
How certain things are gender neutral when you’re a kid and then suddenly become hyper-gendered for adults. Like fishing, and karate. I liked fishing for the sake of fishing as kid, I loved karate. Both become hyper masculine activities. Why? Fishing rods and fighting people are deemed too manly for feminine people? I’m still the same human I was as a kid. Why do I feel more comfortable in a kickboxing class than an adults karate class now?
Growing up and trying to figure out gender, I linked gender identity to clothing and personal interests as much as a state of being. Now I tend to see things in terms of masculine and feminine because I don’t understand the concept of gender at all, it is way too confusing. Why do certain actions and interests become feminine, others masculine? Cars are a masculine interest, art becomes feminine? Guys, supposed to be masculine, are supposed to stop making crafts; girls, the feminine ones, are supposed to put down the fishing rod?
What changes? Is it arbitrary? Is it all about toughness and who started it (as in, men founded karate, designed the fishing rod)? Does it come down to Freudian symbols? I don’t get it.
Further, there are probably several billion people who identity as some level of masculine and male, and that same amount of people who identity as some level of feminine and female, yet some how, these two MASSIVE groups are supposed to share fundamental characteristics, goals, beliefs, behaviours, etc. etc. And for a big part, those groups do share characteristics - inherently? Or because they are socialized that way, taught that way by society? And why oh why do some people break those categories? Why are some girls masculine? Why are some people, told at birth they are male, actually female? How does it happen? Why can’t we ever knowww *fade to black*
Growing up, I didn’t read novels by women. It’s not that I didn’t want to. It’s almost like I didn’t think that I needed to or, I guess, I didn’t know that I needed to. I was perfectly happy in a world contained by men. I adopted the posture of the brooding male as my own. I was Salinger, I was Kerouac, I was any male protagonist in a novel that one of my boyfriends recommended. I didn’t know that there was a specific female sadness so I was content with relating to a generalized one. And in a way, reading these novels was less of a way to relate and more of a way to learn how to be the type of girl that these male novelists liked. One of my first ambitions wasn’t to be a writer – it was to be a writer’s muse.